You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
[Mary Oliver - Wild Geese]
I've realised recently that as a child I was made to feel ashamed for wanting what I wanted.
And I've realised that this shame has been at the core of a lot of my adult behaviour. And it may be about time to let it go.
I've written a poem which talks about this and I'd like to share it with you.
~
Bad boy
No-one will love
me if I ask for what I want.
That's what my mum
told me, so it must be true.
And she loves me.
She's only telling me because she loves me.
That's what my mum
told me,
So it must be true.
Because I ask for
what I want, when it's not what she wants
I'm a “selfish
boy”.
And no-one will
love me if I'm a selfish boy.
A boy who wants
what he wants.
My mum told me,
So it must be
true.
So all I need
to do
For mum to love me
And you to love me
Is for me not
to want what I want.
And instead to
want what she wants,
And to want what
you want.
This is being a
“good boy”.
That's what my mum
told me,
So it must be
true.
But the truth is,
The truth is,
I don't want what
you want
I want what I
want.
That means she
won't love me.
That means you
won't love me.
This means that
no-one can love me.
I'm a bad boy.
That's what my mum
told me,
So it must be
true.
~
But to survive,
I'll pretend
To want what she
wants me to want
To want what you
want me to want
I'll try to figure
out who you want me to be.
In order for you
to love me.
How do you want me
to be in order for you to love me?
Like this?
Or maybe this?
No...that's not
working
How about this?
If I try really
hard to figure out who I need to be
Then I can be that
good boy
And perhaps
you'll love me.
You'll love me
until you discover my deep dark secret.
That I do
want want I want.
And not what you
want.
That deep down,
I'm a selfish,
Bad boy.
That if you knew
what I was really like
You wouldn't love
me
Couldn't love me.
That's what my mum
said,
So it must be true.
~
And what do I
want?
I've almost
forgotten.
And it's not worth
remembering
Because I
shouldn't want it.
And I'm not going
to get it anyway.
That's what my mum
said,
So it must be
true.
~
But perhaps...
Just perhaps
What mummy said
wasn't true after all.
Perhaps it's OK
for me to want what I want
And it's OK for
you to want what you want.
And I can love you
in your wanting
And you can love
me in mine.
And I'm not a bad
boy, or a good boy.
I'm simply a boy
who grew up to be a man.
A man who simply
wants what he wants.
A man who
sometimes gets it right and sometimes gets it wrong.
And who is
loveable,
Regardless.
~
love
Daniel
